MY NOTES
14.2.15
INTRODUCTION:
– Laughing off what you suffer!
– Heaven or Hell – thin line in between!
– Moving is natural, but dancing is an art.
– Education for life. Equipping oneself to handle the challenges of being a family member.
– There is always scope for improvement.
– Languishing – Neither fighting nor flourishing
– Family is one’s root. Where we know ourselves first!
– What is my role/responsibility in this relational issue?
– We belong to the same party.
– The web of interconnection & interdependence. Adjustment & adaptation.
Even individual inaction has communal consequences!
– Understanding the relational dynamics instead of just blaming persons
– Psychological dowry
– Handling problems in a way that complicates things further
– Psychological genetics
– Imprinting – history & context – upbringing & culture
– First 5 years of life – basic mindset
– Repeating the parental style/pattern – how to perceive, reason, respond & interact
– Uncovering & understanding her roots – all the diverse stuff she brings to the table
– Interpretive framework – what one uses to make sense of the self, the other & the relationship.
– 1. Genogram – biological/generational
– Genes – actively transmitted for 3 generations
– Inherited patterns
– Find out your fourth generation ancestors
– Move from who is right & who is wrong, to what is happening (within each & among us) & why
– Become aware & understand
– 2. Family rules – unwritten/implicit lines. Body language/gestures.
Do’s & don’ts
– “I am right” & “You are right”, but we relate wrongly!
“This is right” >> “This is the only/best way” >> “This is how I have been brought up”
– Family (of origin) rules >> marital expectations
– Formative values/doctrines
Blind controls
– Know, understand & respect my rules. And I do the same for you.
– Brain – not paying attention to details in the middle, but constructing an entire picture based on the initial & final perception.
The old wiring works first!
– 3. Drama roles –
1. Hero or heroine – admired, I am always right, I don’t need help, I must be the center, blaming others
2. Enabler/Helper – sidekick, assistant, helpful
Feel unappreciated, interfering,
3. Pleaser – low self-esteem. Image is important.
Cannot say No.
4. Clown – jovial. Wears a mask. Secret life.
5. Scapegoat. Resentful.
6. Invisible child. No big benefit or trouble. Mind their own business.
7. The little spouse – the child takes care of the parents. They will not succeed in life.
– Each role has positives & negatives
– Based on early family situation, you would have played one or two roles.
– The femininized man & the masculinized woman
– Birth order influences character formation
– Moderating each other – not sacrificing anyone. Creating a new family – not just recreating the old family
– 4. Birth order
– 5. Attachment – secure, resistant-insecure (infused identity – possessive), insecure-detached/avoidant (cut-off identity – afraid of intimacy), confused/disoriented
– Close yet distinct. Optimal distance.
Pursuer & distancer
– “I need your affection”
“I need your respect”
– “Love-buckets with a hole”
– I am with you & vice-versa.
I also have my own life, so I cannot (always) live for you.
– Identifying our respective baggages
– Know well what she likes/fears.
– Accuser & defender
To
Open conversants
– “I want you to be like me”
“I want you to be the way I want”
“I want you to do what I say”
– Is it worth losing this person/relationship for my ego-satisfaction?
– “What do I want?” => “What is best for us?”
– Stages in development of family
0-2 years – detaching from parents (& bachelor life) & attaching to each other.
2-4 years – children, questions about future
4-7 years – most difficult, disappointed due to lack of expected changes/improvements in the other, more commitments, psychological divorce
7-15 years – routine patterns, focus on children & forget marital issues
15-25 years – evaluation – questioning oneself (mid-life crisis), raising teens (stress),
25-35 – empty nest, no more distractions from each other (divorce?!), shock of rediscovering each other, death of parents
35 to… – Freedom, happiness, grandchildren, sickness, death of spouse
– Companionship & intimacy (includes sexuality)
Communication
Relationship with extended family (in-laws) & friends
Recreation
Economic issues
Parenting
Household chores
Addictions
– Mutual consultation in decision-making
– Divorce: criticism >> defensiveness (counterattack) >> contempt (sarcasm) >> stone-walling (due to emotional flooding)
– Escalating negativity
– Reactions – exploding, suppress, suppress & explode (alternate!), displace/distract, psychological divorce >> stress!
Slow-killer – worse than other forms of stress. Involves double bind!
15.2.15
– Fear & anger are two sides of the same coin.
– Is my reaction proportional or disproportionate to the stimulus?
– Accommodate, adjust, adapt, compromise, negotiate
– What keeps me from, & what helps me to, live well? Why? How can I deal with this ‘stuff’ better?
– Pre-programmed >> unprogramme >> reprogramme!
– Awareness is not change. But it facilitates the process of learning & growth.
– “Watch your thoughts”
What predominates? Background tapes
– Detachment >> objectivity >> clarity
– Self-examination, evaluation & evolution
– The path of attraction:
Taste preferences
– Mythology & Anthropology
– Seeking that which is lacking in me – the complement!
– Anima (the feminine within the male) & animus (the masculine within the woman) – determined by what we liked & disliked in the parents & parental figures
– Stages of couple life:
1. Scanning – seeking that which we liked in, or what we liked but lacked, in parents – “Imago”
Evolutionary programming of the brain to look out for danger in order to protect oneself.
Involuntary & constant. Stops only when one is in infatuation/deep love. Continues even after marriage! Goes on up to death…
2. Exchange of love map – Bluetooth!
Love map comes from psychological genes. Each person is in love with their own imago, not necessarily or even primarily, their lover!
3. Attraction – increases to infatuation. Blinded, falling… ~ 9 months. But goes on for longer if there are wounds in the inner child – deep healing is required.
4. Romance – familiarity, discovery, complementality. We only see the mirror image >> disillusion! This is not my imago, but another individual. Disappointment >> hatred!
Unconscious marriage.
Shock & denial, anger, bargain, feel deceived, despair.
Unmet needs >> demands
Power struggle >> conflict
4. Resolution – accepting each other. Settling for imperfect other. Conscious marriage! Adjustment >> commitment >> happiness
Coming to reality.
Evolutionary adaptation >> technological manipulation
“That which does not bend, breaks!”
50-50 is too idealistic!
5. Stage of reality – you are good and I am good, but we are imperfect. Too much trouble is bad. No trouble is worse. Little trouble is good!
Getting what I want – mostly, but not all.
– Love maps:
Orientation, direction, guidance
What does my spouse love/hate?
We are very different. Female brain is bigger. Male – hunter-provider instinct. Lot of effort is required to try to understand the other – alien mindset. Building the love map.
Talking pattern, feeling pattern.
When we try to please the other, without understanding each other, we end up disappointing the other.
Likes/dislikes chart.
Vision statement – where do we want to be in 5 years?
Drawing love map.
– Small things are very important. Clarifying oneself to the other.
– “You should be like this” >> “I expect this from you”
Discussing sensitive issues when you are both feeling fine.
Never attempt to compel the other.
Notice the signs – speed-breakers, curves, no entry, etc.
– Psycho-geometrics – preferred shapes – personality types!
Circle – friendly – need care/concern – overly personal, self-blaming.
Triangle – leader, focused, decisive – need esteem – insensitive, lonely
Square – hard-working, determined, organized – need trust – overly meticulous, rigid
Triangle & square are closer.
Squiggle – Creative, energetic – need appreciation – disorganized, naive, illogical, impractical
Rectangle – searching, growing, curious, improvise, marches to one’s own beat – need freedom – can’t keep time, original, less adaptable, into their own world
– When you give the other what he/she needs, they will give you what you need.
– When both are same shape, they might have a smooth marriage, but they might not do well together in the world.
– Passive-aggressive
– Love languages:
Miscommunication across language barriers
– He is trying to love me ~ he loves me
– Influenced by parental love language
1. Words of affirmation – appreciation in front of others.
2. Presence – companionship – women prefer this – eyeing process
3. Acts of service – their service must be valued.
4. Gifts – making & giving money
5. Touch – men prefer this. More sensitivity in the hands.
– Learn to speak at least a few phrases in the other’s language.
– We need to give & be received.
– Find innovative ways in which you can express yourself and your partner can understand/accept
– Strokes – positive/negative, unconditional/conditional, discounting, indifference
– How you say something is as important as what you say!
– Quality time – eye contact, listening. Business gazing – eyes & forehead. Personal gazing – eyes & chin. Intimate gazing – eyes, neck, chest & stomach
– Don’t take the other’s love language for granted. Speak back to them in their own love language. Speak at least 30-50% in their language.
– The gift of self
– Implicit & explicit touch. Not just sexual. Emotional touch
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